We just had an argument about quilting. It wasn't the predictable, "you spent too much money on fabric" or "stop sewing and clean the house" type, but something a little deeper, more painful, and I think I need your support.
He made plans to see a friend in Boston for lunch on Saturday. I said I didn't want to go because the guild is having an all-day sit and sew.
He said, "you need to see them 4 days a week?"
I said, "I need them. Those women are my support group now."
"but you saw them all last weekend, and on Monday night too."
"but last weekend was the Show, we weren't quilting. I need to sit with them and quilt."
and he said, "You would rather spend time with them again than come up to Boston with me?"
My heart aches. He needs me, I need him. We are both still hurting, but we need to be comforted in different ways. I know he wants me to go with him to meet his friend, to sit with him in the car for the hour drive there and the hour drive home. On another day I would do that, but I need to sew. I need to start my grief quilt for Theresa because my sadness wells up and I want to stitch and iron it out. I need something to work on, to keep my hands busy. A quiet comfortable place to go to and let my thoughts be with her.
I need my guild. All of those women who can comfort me and understand me, even if we don't say a word. Just to spend all day stitching with them will bring me the balance and peace I need to make it through another hectic week at work.
It frustrates me that he doesn't understand women's social groups. It pains me that I'm not strong enough now to be there when he needs me. But I'm not, and so we argue, and then I feel worse, and know I need to quilt more.
It is unfair that he and I have to go through these difficult times together yet apart. I am much more emotional than he is and I think he can't handle me, so I turn to other friends. Please tell me that what I'm doing, what I'm feeling makes sense. Don't tell me what my husband should do for me, just give me guidance to get through this time. Thank you.
This is my draft plan for the grief quilt. Costas helped me choose fabrics last night and I washed and ironed them today so they'll be ready to cut into on Saturday. I want to have a few blocks done by the time I go to Chicago in October, to show mom and Lori.
Thank you for all the comments about the quilt show. It was pretty amazing, but a lot of work. I was flipping through the photo album after Monday's guild meeting and realized there were quilts there that I didn't even see. I regretted not having the time to appreciate each one more fully. It amazes me that I get to surround myself with this talented group of women more than once a month. That's why I fight when he suggests I should skip a get together. I just can't.