2007-09-20

September 20th

We just had an argument about quilting. It wasn't the predictable, "you spent too much money on fabric" or "stop sewing and clean the house" type, but something a little deeper, more painful, and I think I need your support.

He made plans to see a friend in Boston for lunch on Saturday. I said I didn't want to go because the guild is having an all-day sit and sew.


He said, "you need to see them 4 days a week?"


I said, "I need them. Those women are my support group now."


"but you saw them all last weekend, and on Monday night too."


"but last weekend was the Show, we weren't quilting. I need to sit with them and quilt."


and he said, "You would rather spend time with them again than come up to Boston with me?"


My heart aches. He needs me, I need him. We are both still hurting, but we need to be comforted in different ways. I know he wants me to go with him to meet his friend, to sit with him in the car for the hour drive there and the hour drive home. On another day I would do that, but I need to sew. I need to start my grief quilt for Theresa because my sadness wells up and I want to stitch and iron it out. I need something to work on, to keep my hands busy. A quiet comfortable place to go to and let my thoughts be with her.
I need my guild. All of those women who can comfort me and understand me, even if we don't say a word. Just to spend all day stitching with them will bring me the balance and peace I need to make it through another hectic week at work.
It frustrates me that he doesn't understand women's social groups. It pains me that I'm not strong enough now to be there when he needs me. But I'm not, and so we argue, and then I feel worse, and know I need to quilt more.
It is unfair that he and I have to go through these difficult times together yet apart. I am much more emotional than he is and I think he can't handle me, so I turn to other friends. Please tell me that what I'm doing, what I'm feeling makes sense. Don't tell me what my husband should do for me, just give me guidance to get through this time. Thank you.

This is my draft plan for the grief quilt. Costas helped me choose fabrics last night and I washed and ironed them today so they'll be ready to cut into on Saturday. I want to have a few blocks done by the time I go to Chicago in October, to show mom and Lori.

Thank you for all the comments about the quilt show. It was pretty amazing, but a lot of work. I was flipping through the photo album after Monday's guild meeting and realized there were quilts there that I didn't even see. I regretted not having the time to appreciate each one more fully. It amazes me that I get to surround myself with this talented group of women more than once a month. That's why I fight when he suggests I should skip a get together. I just can't.

8 comments:

Gillian said...

I really like your colour choices for your grief quilt. Blue and green have a particular attraction for me. They are lively, but soothing. They connect with the trees and sky of the natural world, and the cyclic processes of nature. Very healing.

Wishing you all good things in your current journey.

Jennifer said...

I also like the colors you chose for the quilt. The edge pieces remind me of butterfly wings. I know what you mean about wanting to sew with others in order to find calm and peace. I do the same thing when I am feeling stress or sadness. After a tiring summer, it brought me a lot of joy to catch up with my quilting group friends and see several amazing quilt shows in Tokyo this past month.

The way you choose to cope now will undoubtedly bring you back, closer, to your husband.

lexi said...

sigh. there's no good answers to the problem chica. i wish there was. obviously grief guides tell you to do what you feel you need to do but you have the hard position of having a husband who's also in mourning. i'd guess that you both just need to do what you each need to do right now and hopefully he can come to an understanding about this process. maybe there can be a compromise where you do what you need to this week, having gotten the quilt "all ready to go" in terms of picking fabrics etc and another time you will forgo something you want when he says he needs you. sorry. happy friday. i'm feeling a bit weepy today, and it's not a good day for that to be happening as i am soooo busy and can't keep running out to my car to get a hold on myself. sigh. i'll get there. so i'm taking a deep breath whew. happy friday. love you

Sarah Jayne said...

I totally understand the support the group offers you - without even needing to say a word. It's a piece of normality when everything else is so raw. It is difficult to explain - but just keep trying.
The quilt you've designed looks great.

Gillian said...

I thought I'd share this quilt with you. I made it for my friend Ann when her husband died suddenly.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/tirralirra/305444710/in/set-72057594048278302/

carolyn said...

forgive me for delurking on such a personal post...

but here's thought: you'll be a better partner (later, and always) if you are given the time to do your grieving now, the way you need to.

brooksie said...

Delurking to say: I love my friends dearly; they understand stuff so well; I love sitting and working and talking with them.

But after 28 years of marriage I have to tell you: your marriage is forever -- for when you get old together. I know it's not popular to say this, but it takes a lot of sacrifice -- 80% on both sides!! :) but it's worth it -- you are each other's path to heaven. (And no fair trying to see if HE'S giving HIS 80% -- you can't know what that would be, can you?)

Husbands depend on wives more than they can ever say. If you can do this for him out of love, even if it means getting a bit behind on something you want to do, you will not regret it later, when you are old with him and your friends have gone on to other things. Even your super close friends have their priorities of family and, yes, gasp! duty.

Don't be afraid of the cost! Love conquers all. You didn't know it would mean this, did you? :)

Jessica said...

Brooksie,

Thank you for your comment. I agree with all of what you say, in most circumstances. I didn't go to the sit and sew just to be with my friends or to work on my project. I'm usually pretty good about having my priorities in order, and I put my mental and emotional health above most else, including my marriage. If I don't grieve and fall into depression, he and I will both suffer. If he doesn't grieve and take care of his mental/emotional health, we will both suffer. I feel that's the path we're heading towards now. He needs me to stay stable, and that's what I'm trying to do now.
if you would have left an email I would have replied privately. Thank you again for your comment, it's good to hear all sides.

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